


Asgardian to Midgardian For Idiots – A Guide by Professor Tony Stark

by kyaticlikestea



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Asgard, Comedy, Dictionary, Domestic Avengers, Humor, Humour, Lists, M/M, Midgard, POV: Tony Stark, The Author Regrets Nothing, kardashians are mentioned a lot, tony just wants to help, very educational
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-13
Updated: 2012-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-16 04:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Approximately a year ago, we privileged few at SHIELD headquarters made the acquaintance of one Thor Odinson. Ever since, he has made it his mission to defend Earth against its would-be destroyers (and yes, I’m talking about the man in the green dress, also known as ‘he who must not be named’, ‘the low-key assassin’ or, my personal favourite, ‘Delilah’), delight our women with his godly pectorals and generally confuse the living Hell out of us poor Midgardians who don’t have a damn clue what he’s talking about most of the time.</p><p>This guide was compiled with care, love and girlish giggling by everyone’s favourite Avenger, Tony Stark. As such, the entries are not in alphabetical order. That would take time and commitment that I just don’t have. However, it will help you decipher the otherwise alien speech of our muscular blonde non-compatriot. It will also look great on your bookshelf because my face is on the cover.</p><p>Enjoy, and most importantly, learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asgardian to Midgardian For Idiots – A Guide by Professor Tony Stark

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Tony Stark教授給白癡們的阿斯加德詞彙指南](https://archiveofourown.org/works/609299) by [betty5271](https://archiveofourown.org/users/betty5271/pseuds/betty5271)



**Asgardian to Midgardian For Idiots – A Guide by Professor Tony Stark***

Approximately a year ago, we privileged few at SHIELD headquarters made the acquaintance of one Thor Odinson. Ever since, he has made it his mission to defend Earth against its would-be destroyers (and yes, I’m talking about the man in the green dress, also known as ‘he who must not be named’, ‘the low-key assassin’ or, my personal favourite, ‘Delilah’), delight our women with his godly pectorals and generally confuse the living Hell out of us poor Midgardians who don’t have a damn clue what he’s talking about most of the time.

This guide was compiled with care, love and girlish giggling by everyone’s favourite Avenger**, Tony Stark. As such, the entries are not in alphabetical order. That would take time and commitment that I just don’t have. However, it will help you decipher the otherwise alien speech of our muscular blonde compatriot. It will also look great on your bookshelf because my face is on the cover.

Enjoy, and most importantly, learn.

 

* * *

 

Asgard (n): one of the many worlds that Thor sometimes blabbers on about. His home world, in fact. Ruled with an iron fist and glass eye by Odin, also known as Yggr, Alfodr and Dad (but only in Thor’s case. Not Delilah’s.)  
  
Midgardian equivalent: just Asgard. Although I also like to call it ‘Thor’s Crib’, but don’t tell him that. It’ll only make him (more) big-headed, and there’s only room for one ego around here.  
  
Example use: ‘Who is this Jesus of whom you speak? A god? I assure you that this cannot be the case, for Jesus is not of Asgard!’

 

* * *

 

Frost giant (n): a race of blue men who live in a world called Jotunheim. Rumored to be the inspiration behind Avatar. Also the dirty secret origin of a certain fellow ‘Asgardian’, but don’t talk about that in front of Thor.  
  
Midgardian equivalent: asshole, dick, douchebag etc. I’d add more but Steve is looking at me disapprovingly. What a frost giant.  
  
Example use: ‘Fury sent a memo banning Tony from performing secret psychological experiments on interns / referring to Natasha as ‘sexy Lenin’ / trying to force transformations on Bruce in public bathrooms / being incredibly beautiful? What a one-eyed frost giant!’

 

* * *

 

I think not (phrase): common saying used to infer disagreement.

Midgardian equivalent: oh hell no, bitch.

Example use: ‘You wish for me to abstain from disrobing in public, even on Thorsday? I think not.’

 

* * *

 

Thorsday (n): the fourth day of the week (because Sunday is NOT the first day, Coulson, no matter what your mother told you as a child). Named after Thor by those crazy North Europeans, this day is a day to do manly things. Popular activities include drinking beer out of buckets, beating up men with smaller biceps than you, watching men throw a ball around a field, walking around naked, eating raw steak and bonding with your fellow man in a very masculine and heterosexual manner (totally buying that excuse, Coulson. I know you and Barton are just paying your respects to Thor.)

Midgardian equivalent: Thursday

Example use: ‘Hey, Barton! Coulson here. Just letting you know that it’s Thorsday! Want to catch a ball game, go for a few drinks and then get naked and make passionate, vigorous love?’

 

* * *

 

Mjolnir (n): Thor’s special hammer (not THAT one, you naughty boy). Only he can pick it up, apparently. That’s Asgardians for you. So unwilling to share. It’s capable of great power and is really more of a weapon than a tool. Thor is rather attached to it – Bruce once caught him cuddling it in bed - so don’t ask him if you can use it to put up a shelf.

Midgardian equivalent: we really don’t have anything like this, unless you count Steve’s biceps.

Example use: ‘The world is under attack by hoards of ravenous cannibal giants? There’s no hope left as the world is devoured by millions of ten foot wolves? Kim Kardashian has a new TV show? Leave this to me and Mjolnir.’

 

* * *

 

Loki (n): lanky guy with a British accent who wears a fetching green dress and has lustrous black hair. Oh, and he’s a psycho. Seriously. This guy makes Chris Brown look like Dorothy, and this ain’t Kansas. He was raised with Thor as his brother, but in a magnificent stroke of luck it emerged that he was actually abandoned while the rest of his family were slaughtered and ended up being adopted by Odin. The discovery of this made him go off the deep end and the not-sibling rivalry he shares with Thor is the stuff of Jerry Springer legend.

Midgardian equivalent: Mitt Romney

Example use: ‘You know who’s a bastard? Loki. He’s trying to take over the goddamn world again. Thank God he never succeeds.’

 

* * *

 

Jotunheim (n): where the wild things are. Home to the race known as the ‘frost giants’ (see above). Not a great place to hold a barbecue but would be awesome for keeping things on ice. Colder than Fury’s heart and twice as empty owing to its soulless race of people. Birthplace of Loki. Needs to tighten security.

Midgardian equivalent: Canada

Example use: ‘You know where we shouldn’t go on a road-trip? Jotunheim. Because it’s shit, and I don’t want to be killed.’

 

* * *

 

Tesseract (n): in layman’s terms, a shiny box from Asgard which would solve our energy problems forever. Obviously, I understand exactly how it works, but you don’t. You wouldn’t. So let’s just say that it’s very powerful and as such it has lots of people fighting over it. It was feared lost for a while in the 20th century after our very own Steve Rogers froze it, along with himself, in an airplane, but that’s a long story and involves a disappointingly small amount of abs, so let’s leave that for another time.

Midgardian equivalent: this thing has no equivalent in any of the realms. It surpasses everything ever to have existed in the entire history of everything ever.

Example use: ‘Holy shit, the Tesseract is goddamn awesome and I want to worship it and have its science babies and – what the Hell are you doing?! Don’t stab – oh God. Oh God, this is my best shirt. You killed me over this? You monster! You’re too dumb to use it anyway, peasant!’

 

* * *

 

Peasant (n): anyone who isn’t Thor or me (because I’m ludicrously wealthy, stunningly intelligent and exotically attractive)

Midgardian equivalent: you

Example use: ‘Out of my way, peasant. I have to take a leak and I don’t queue behind people who are so far beneath me they could count the earthworms.’

 

* * *

 

Lady (n): someone of the female gender. Not Natasha, though. If you call her a lady, she’ll fashion your words into some sort of bullet and shoot you in the dignity.

Midgardian equivalent: woman, Agent Coulson

Example use: ‘My Lady Jane this, my Lady Jane that, blah blah blah Lady Jane.’

 

* * *

 

Friend (n): someone. Anyone. Everyone.

Midgardian equivalent: you

Example use: ‘Friend Banner, would you care to accompany me outside? We can sacrifice oxen and drink mead!’

 

* * *

 

Mead (n): an alcoholic drink to which Thor is inherently partial. It’s stronger than Fury’s sense of self loathing and more potent than Barton’s behind after a bad curry. Thor will drink you under the table, the floorboards and indeed the Earth’s crust if you challenge him to a drinking game with this as your beverage of choice. You wouldn’t even manage a thimble of the stuff. Drink at your peril.

Midgardian equivalent: suicide

Example use: ‘You’re throwing a party? There’ll be free money, beautiful women and music provided by AC/DC? You’ll be drinking mead? Sorry, can’t. I’m washing my hair.’

 

* * *

 

Another! (phrase): a way of expressing your wish to have more of an item. Usually accompanies the violent destruction of the afore-mentioned item by throwing it to the ground, followed by strange looks and screams from passers-by.

Midgardian equivalent: please

Example use: ‘This Pop Tart is most delicious! I like it! Another!’

 

* * *

 

Gullible (adj): this isn’t here. It’s been removed from the dictionary. At least that’s what I told Thor, who believed it completely. Another word (well, two words) that isn’t in Thor’s dictionary is ‘common sense’.

Midgardian equivalent: mind-blowingly trusting

Example use: ‘Thor, Loki told you he needed to lock you in a room for six hours for the good of Asgard, and you believed him? It’s a shame that ‘gullible’ has been taken out of the dictionary because it describes you so well.’

 

* * *

 

Bifrost (n): a rainbow bridge that links Asgard and Midgard. Guarded by a future-telling man whose eyes have seen death and told it ‘hey, I saw you coming’. Oh, and it’s out of order right now. You just can’t get the staff these days.

Midgardian equivalent: socialised healthcare

Example use: ‘It’s a darn shame that the bifrost was destroyed by Thor because Midgard is the best realm ever – Tony Stark lives there, so it must be good – and I wanted to take the kids on holiday there. Guess we’ll just have to go to our golden palace on the shores of the silver lake instead. Shame.’

 

* * *

 

Midgard (n): another of the nine realms. It’s also the one we call home.

Midgardian equivalent: Earth

Example use: ‘Hey, you know what the best of the nine worlds is? Midgard. Sure, we have a Tesseract and borderline immortality, but they have this thing called Stark Industries and it's goddamn awesome.’

 

* * *

 

Thus concludes the guide. I hope you found it useful. I also hope you’ll buy the new Starkphone, which will be released on December 17th and includes so many sexy new features that you’ll be begging it to put out on the first date (it won’t, it’s classier than that and I’ve taught it better). If you’re reading this, Fury, I told you it was possible and I hope you choke on your eye-patch***.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the $5.99. I’ll convert it to coins and use it to prop up the wonky coffee table in the fourth cinema room.

Finally, I'd like to dedicate this guide to Steve Rogers' biceps, abs and thighs. He knows why.

 

* * *

 

 

_* the doctorate of the author may not be in Asgardian, but I assure you that my Phd in seduction was very useful in compiling this guide. You’re welcome. (And call me, Steve, for God’s sake; it’s not becoming of a lady to sit around waiting for the phone to ring for six hours.)_

_** except Coulson, but he doesn’t have any hair and I fear the lack of insulation is causing frostbite in his brain._

_*** not really. I just hope you get caught in a kiss-and-tell with a Kardashian.****_

_**** just kidding. I hope it's a Hogan.*****_

_***** Hulk Hogan._


End file.
